Some less spoken words

I’m not sure how it went for most people but for my friends who have been nailing my random blog for all these times would obviously noticed this:

“Hera rarely types about her real life issues in Burogu Blog.”

Personally, I got nothing much to clarify regarding it here though I do admit that my whole purpose of this blog is to kill boredom of the readers, in hope of making their day brighter.

Still, I guess today may be the right time for me to actually mention a bit more about myself and maybe, to express my individual thoughts. For those who’re looking for a happy-go-lucky post, I’m sorry to say that this is probably not something for you. Otherwise, do continue and read on what I have to say.

Unlike most people’s image on me, friends who’re close to me would know that I’m not really the cheerful type of person. I’m unpredictable and many of my behaviours contrast each other, or in fact, I may fall into those depression category in a way or another. For example, I can be detached in terms of emotion and yet, with much observant, you could easily me sobbing for a show or novel.

Now, what I wish to mention below may not be pleasing to the eye but it is the truth and it could pretty sum up and give anyone a better picture of me. Not much people may know about it but I grew up in a single parent environment and experienced domestic violences before. And of course, most importantly, I’ve attempted/thought about suicide not just once, but a few times in the past.

So, before anyone tried to go “The world is a very beautiful place” here, I can be honest and commented that for a suicidal person, that sentence is probably the worst insult ever for one simple reason: What they want is not a reminder of how beautiful/magnificent the world is, but a reason to believe it is better to live on than throwing life away, and even, a sense of belonging to the world.

As for those who’re feeling suicidal, do hear the following words of mine. There was once in my life when I tried to kill myself, I was criticised badly by a friend of mine, of whom due to health reasons, are diagnosed to live no longer than 25 years old. She said these: If a person like her can actually struggle through each day fighting for survival with pain killers and medicines, what I am doing now are no difference than performing a cowardice act. And if she can, she would happily exchange her life with mine so she can live longer and I ‘be happy’ about dying early.

Certainly, not everyone have the fortitude to face all the onerous pain and obstacles in their lives, including me, but there should be one thing that I believe everyone should have in their mind – if you can’t find a reason to live for yourself, then just live for the sake of people who value the-life-that-you-think-is-worthless (Thank you friend, you know who you are). The number of the people do not matter, as only the thoughts and sincerity count. In fact, I truly believe that only the people who have nearly lose their lives, would be the ones that have full realisation of how precious life could be in this world.

The first 3 months of year 2011 may be short but I would never deny that I’ve learned a lot of things during these periods as different course of chain events occurred in my life. Here are the list of the few lessons I’ve learned:

  • The value of life, kinda. Okay, I suppose some may realise if I’m typing this, it could only mean one thing. I truly apologise about breaking the promise I made last year and yes, I admitted I cut myself last 2 weeks ago. Still, I would like to clarify that even when it is not entirely, I do learned the value of life and how it affects people around us.
  • The chance to experience true friendships. This happened recently, when a random guy walked up to a friend of mine attempting to ‘advice’ my friend to stay away from me due to some particular reasons. Although I may not express it well enough but if you (that random guy) happened to be reading this and your goal is to hurt and make my life miserable, you’ve won in a sense. Still, before you try to celebrate your success, I would like to thank you, for allowing me to see who is my true friend and who is not.
  • The power of words. I learned this one through two things, experience and song. Personally, I would like everyone to know that before you attempt to speak with others, please pause and cogitate that do you have the determination and sincerity to keep all the words you have said before. If the answer is no, then don’t bring it up at all, since what are words when you really don’t mean them when you say them?
  • The compassion to learn and forgive. I’m not a saint and it is very true that I’ve done a lot mistakes throughout my life and there are just too much that I could not forgive myself with. However, instead of continuing to torture myself for the sake of holding my personal principles, I’ve learned that there are plenty of moments in which it is a much wiser choice to learn and forgive the mistakes of others and my own self.
  • The motherly figure of me. To be honest, it is still kinda new to me -sarcasm laugh to myself-. In context, I would describe it as the pure joy and earnestness to wish to protect one from harm. Even though it may not be the first time I’ve done it but, I would say it is definitely the first time for me to have my actions justify my words.
  • The pleasure of witnessing happiness of others. I got this one, when both of my friend and I saw an old couple holding hands walking slowly in the shopping complex and also, by observing the expression of others. Through it, I have come to a realisation of how and why certain people are so willingly to give a hand for those in need, or to push themselves to their limits for the sake of seeing a person’s most genuine smile.
  • A small dream is still a dream. This may give some misunderstandings but the message I wish to send is, even if the dream a person have is small, it does not justify that when the dream come true, he/she would not gain the same amount of happiness like anyone out there with big dreams. I’ve fulfilled big and small dreams recently and I would say, the statement is very true.

As Burogu is a publicised blog, I’ve omitted a lot of unnecessary names and details when am typing it and I hope it didn’t affect the standards of my post. For my friends who wish to know more about it, feel free to contact me in any form and I would be delighted to share it.

Till then, I really appreciate the efforts and time for those who’ve spend to read the tiny portion of my inner thoughts. Thank you very much, for everything.


3 responses

  1. Friends are there for you, please don’t resort to self-torture anymore. If you need a listening ear, I’m on skype.

  2. Thank you…you’ve put a chapter or even a verse of your life here. After reading this of yours, I’ve realized how much time I spent putting away my inner thoughts…

    Thank you.

  3. […] posts some thoughts that are interesting to contemplate, go check it out. While you’re at it, there’s the […]

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